The octopus emerges fluidly and slowly from a tiny crevice in the wavy ocean floor littered with sand. A beam of light powers its way down from the surface, illuminating anything in its path. Skeptical, the octopus treks cautiously and slowly through a clear, aqua-blue, salty water in search of purpose. As a defense mechanism, the octopus exudes a dark, milky ink-like substance from its glands as potential enemies approach. The ink disorients and subdues the senses of any creature nearby, allowing the octopus to continue its journey for purpose.

Guiding the octopus are eight long, flowing arms with suction cups beneath, each of which serves a different purpose. They all work harmoniously, but disparately in fulfilling the needs of the octopus. I like to refer to them as the Eight Arms of Ardor.

Arm 1, the Right Arm of Imagination, tells stories of intrigue and mystery, of joy and of pain. Each line, each turn, and each picture are part of a bigger story. It starts conversations. It tells each story through a riddle of sorts. It’s not always forthcoming with information and the picture is not always clear.

Next is Arm 2, the Left Arm of Ferocity, which protects those around it with intensity and flare. It knows they all deserve better. It offers rewards for courage and presents a path to freedom. It’s prepared to fight for continued life at all costs, even if that means bloodshed.

Continuing, Arm 3 is the Right Arm of Impetuous, which is impulsive and reacts on a whim. It’s addictive and a bit unhealthy. It attaches itself, like suction cups to whatever draws near, and it keeps coming back for more, with no end in sight.

Arm 4, the Left Arm of Exclusivity, embraces its individuality, its uniqueness. It mesmerizes with glowing visions never seen. It is the showman of the bunch and it understands its place. It knows it has great potential and star power.

Then there is Arm 5, the Right Arm of Agony, which gets high from the pain and gains pleasure through repeated discomfort. It perseveres and grows through adversity. Like a phoenix it rises above the flames. It holds the pain and is willing to share the stinging, swelling, soreness, and sickness with anyone who dares approach.

Back to the left we have Arm 6, the Left Arm of Suppression, which covers all the scars with a mask of redirection. It conceals the pain and is glad to pretend that nothing ever happened, even to the point of self-absorption.

Next is Arm 7, the Right Arm of Memorialization, which commemorates a lost friend or loved one through words, symbols, pictures and subtle reminders, so they never fade from memory. It grabs hold and won’t let go. It clinches tight and never wants to forget. It preserves.

Finally, Arm 8, the Left Arm of Simulation falls in line with what all the other arms are doing. It falls victim to this copy-cat culture, which is void of originality and creativeness. It can be of use, but only if what its copying is useful.

The arms of the octopus are wondrous and work with each other in one beautiful aesthetic where form meets function. This creature is a combination of grace and savagery, dancing about through peaks and troughs, on upside down waves. Its stories carry pain, sadness, grief, and anger, while also providing comfort, elation, delight, and bliss. This creature is a beautiful work of art.

The Ink.

As I inquired about the emotional state of his wife, I was taken aback by his response. “She gets upset, making comparisons to what others have. Don’t let it bother you.”, he said, insinuating that she was somehow at fault. It was raw pithiness. He gave absolutely no concern to the fact that his wife might be very upset. His immediate goals were to dismiss her emotional state and tell me how busy having a child had made his life. Unfortunately, he was far too immersed in his own being that he failed to recognize our family dynamic, which consisted of three children, one of which has special needs. I’d seen this look before though, this attitude, this dismissal of emotional needs of a spouse. It sickened me.

Many years earlier it was in fact my own father who had exuded such passive-aggressive arrogance toward a woman facing similar anxieties. I had grown to despise this self-righteous, male-dominant, bread-winner attitude. And now, this time it was effecting me in a completely different way. That’s right, this time I was the one in crisis who desperately needed this type of man to actually be a man for once.

Sadly, some men think being nice and cool and chasing boyhood fun is more important than looking their wife in the eye and putting her first in his life. Even sadder is when said wife claims to stand-up for human rights, or more notably women’s rights, yet this control continues to shackle her without her even realizing that she is in fact shackled. Still, I don’t place all the blame on her. To the contrary, his arrogance carries this and owns it!

Such arrogance is destined for demise. I can clearly and openly say this because I’ve seen it with my own eyes and I’ve experienced it, as a son, with my own heart. Reality, however is that she broke free from one prison only to arrive in a timely manner at this new, more decorated version.

I sent so many prayers up for so long that I literally heard God say, “Your prayers have been received. Now I want you to pray for something else.” I did everything I could. I offered all the care I had. I gave all the empathy possible. Still, I was helpless. I was so helpless that it hurt. This was new hurt layered on top of hurt that already existed.

The truth is there are boundaries and when they are expressed and established I try not to cross them. Some boundaries aren’t clear, but they are loud, and those are the ones which are most easily heard.

Anyway, this post isn’t about me. It’s about what my intuition has shown me and how terribly tragic it is. I really can’t think of a more dreadful experience I could have had at a time when I really just needed an explanation and a little bit of peace. Eventually though I got an explanation, but it didn’t come from a person, it came from my subconscious.

I can’t free her from this prison she chose. Only she can do that. My deep hope is that she finds a way to freedom, but my heart tells me what reality already knows. She won’t.

Amid my struggles with sadness earlier this year, I’ve thought a lot about friends. I’ve pondered, “What is a friend to me?” and “What defines a friend?”. Is a friend someone who helps you? Is a friend and an acquaintance the same thing? I feel like everyone has different opinions or definitions of what a friend is. Does the frequency or means through which you interact with someone determine whether or not you are friends with them?

Friendships can be quite volatile. So, what do we do when something doesn’t go as planned in our friendships? Do we withdraw silently? Do we confront that friend? What happens to the relationship? Who is owed what? That last question may be the most important. It involves expectations, which are often at the core of disruption in relationships.

With so many different personality types, people deal with conflict in so many different ways. It is complicated! It’s layered, like an onion! The thing we absolutely cannot do is expect others to react the way we would. In most cases, the other person involved is simply not going to react as we would have. We must try our best to see things from the perspective of others. This doesn’t mean, we accept toxic or abusive behavior, but as a first step, we should try to understand how they see the situation. Then we can make a call on whether or not it’s healthy. Often times it is not healthy, but that can’t be determined from across the river. Assuming you agree with me on that point, my next question would be, “How do we hold others accountable in friendships when things do go bad?”

Alas, we arrive at this mysterious, transparent thing in relationships commonly referred to as “boundaries”. Boundaries are important for many reasons. One reason is that not only should we handle our relationships with care, but we have to take care of ourselves. In this breathe, we set boundaries so that we can accomplish this. Boundaries go hand in hand with friendship. What you deem acceptable may not be acceptable to a friend and it’s not your job to determine whether their boundaries are appropriate. If you feel like the boundaries that are set by a friend are inappropriate, then as friends you’re certainly within your right to discuss it, but to carry an expectation that a friend should adjust their boundaries to suit your feelings is irrational at best.

A Google search for the definition of a friend yields the following result.

A friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

This makes sense to me as a simple definition, but in reality a friend through and through can be summarized with a bit more explanation. There’s also the the age old debate on whether someone is a friend or an acquaintance and perhaps this is something that an individual defines for themselves. Of course, a friendship involves more than one person, so we absolutely have to consider that each person in the friendship may have varying definitions of friendship. Take for instance a relationship where one person’s definition of acquaintance is actually in the range of the other person’s definition of friendship. Expectations could vary greatly in such a situation, thus allowing conflict to more easily enter.

Ultimately it’s not my place to define what friendship means to another person. I can however, define what friendship means to me. In other words, I can tell you the expectations I’ve placed upon myself as to how I treat my friends, so that’s what I’ll do.

As a friend, I expect myself to comfort you, show you respect, help you with self-improvement, have a good attitude toward you, and build you up. I’m to make you feel wanted. I’m not to create conflict with you or give your misery or heartache. In no way should I create toxicity in your life. I’m to honor you and show as much courage as I can with regard to the relationship. I’m to be brave, honest, and transparent, ensuring that you are taken care of. Christ said to love our neighbors as our self. This seems to be the basic foundation of a friendship. As with strangers, I’m to show my friends empathy, sympathy, compassion, humility, and forgiveness. Above all else, I’m to put my friends and their well being ahead of my own. Selflessness is the cornerstone of any good friendship.